We hope you are excited about the offer letter we just sent you! We realize that 240K is much more than you requested, but we were just so so delighted you thought that we were seriously considering hiring you. You see, that offer was contingent on a background check, which has just been completed. As we expected, you have failed it miserably.
This means we are retracting the offer.
Your background check report includes an AI-generated section that revealed that you have had or may potentially have some really strange dreams. That one where you were missing the top of your head is unsettling. I mean, yikes. Even if you don't remember having had this dream, it doesn't matter. Who would remember something like that? So don't try and deny it. And tip: when you appear in public, put on some clothes.
At lunch today we were chatting about you, picking apart your answers like carrion birds tearing at the flesh of an elk carcass. We realized that we all gave you a thumbs up because we thought the other interviewers were going to give up a thumbs up. But then we realized we all thought you are a weirdo.
This means we are retracting the offer.
Your background check report includes an AI-generated section that revealed that you have had or may potentially have some really strange dreams. That one where you were missing the top of your head is unsettling. I mean, yikes. Even if you don't remember having had this dream, it doesn't matter. Who would remember something like that? So don't try and deny it. And tip: when you appear in public, put on some clothes.
At lunch today we were chatting about you, picking apart your answers like carrion birds tearing at the flesh of an elk carcass. We realized that we all gave you a thumbs up because we thought the other interviewers were going to give up a thumbs up. But then we realized we all thought you are a weirdo.
Also, our company prides itself on hiring only the most talented engineers. Yes, we know you thought you did well in the technical screen, but we were faking it. Our HR department requires that we present the facsimile of a real interview, even when candidates are shockingly unsuitable. By that we mean candidates like yourself. Your answers were, simply put, ridiculous.
We are filing a civil suit against you for wasting the company's time. You represented yourself as a savvy software engineer. Instead we discovered that you are merely a random weirdo pretending to be a technical professional.
The worst part is that you are feeling doubt. If you were a good engineer, you would know that you nailed it. But of course you are sitting there, worrying. Truly pathetic.
Sincerely,
The Company That Will Not Be Hiring You
