Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Sample user guide from my new "Dealing with the Physical World" service

Every day, tragically, people walk into the very doors that should have allowed them passage. Too frequently the victim is blamed.

The problem is simple. Some of us have been conditioned to expect that doors will always swing open.  
Three doors opened automatically today when I was shopping, so therefore my car door should...  **oomph**
It's an easy mistake to make. The modern mind, already burdened with the multitasking overhead of texting and refreshment quaffing, isn't designed to cope with the additional contextual dissonance of an antiquated manual door with its convoluted "twist-and-push" paradigm (or maybe it's "push-and-twist" -- who has time to memorize all the variations).

If you are nodding your head, saying something like "yes... that's it exactly" as people are turning to look at you (because they can hear your "thinking voice"), then print out this handy guide and stick it on all your doors, especially the glass ones.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Renovation for the Clueless


Working with contractors requires a bit of common sense and experience. I wish there was a contractor who specialized in talking to people lacking those qualities. Of course, I don't mean myself.

Something like this...
At Renovation for the Clueless, we work with people who don't have the critical real world skills required to remodel a home.

Worried you might be such a person? You can stop worrying because it's clear to everyone else that you are. It's OK! We're here to help. Unlike those other contractors who disappear and don't return your calls, we'll not only tell you why it's a bad idea to put a swimming pool on your roof, we'll also continue to talk to you as though you were normal.
Q: Why should I work with you instead of another contractor who specializes in dumb people?
A: Those firms only appear to cater to the wisdom-impaired by wearing insincere smiles and speaking slowly.
Q: What's the catch?
A: Money of course! But let's be honest, it's not like you'll actually notice the modest premium we charge.
Q: I like to add and remove items on my work order faster than cards at a casino table. I also like to pepper you with hundreds of e-mails that "clarify my intent" and "brainstorm new ideas" rather than put those ideas in a work order. Is that OK?
A: That's why we hired life coach Judy Blumquist. She'll teach you how to organize your thoughts and present them in an orderly manner. It's fun to be coherent!
Q: I usually assume my ideas are magically reproduced in your head simply by thinking them. Is that possible?
A: Let former Rochester Institute of Mental Health therapist Mike Goldstein help you figure it out with questions like, "Do you think it's possible?"
Q: We don't understand that the pictures in magazines are from houses belonging to very wealthy people with an Italian designer who lives on the premises. We'd like our glorified double-wide to look like that. Can you help us?
A: You do realize that the structure you refer to as your "home" would have to be disassembled and then completely rebuilt in a different neighborhood using materials like rhodium and bumble bee fur? Right??? (Oops... sorry, even we slip up sometimes.)
Q: Hey, you guys seem to be handy with tools. If I can't find a hammer, I'll use a pair of pliers, but they don't seem to work as well. Any suggestions?
A: Consider our 24-hour Dealing with the Physical World Hotline. For an affordable monthly fee, we'll show you why pliers will never work as well as a hammer. We'll also help you create a place for your hammer so you can find it next time, sell you a new one, and explain why you don't use nails to fix a broken dish.