Special FX Force

In the final battle, victory will be determined by the special effects abilities of Special FX Force, a fully CGI team of meta humans, gifted with unusual talents from the GPU Stone, a silicon wafer that defies physical reality and transcends the limitations of ordinary human existence. 

Unfortunately these dark matter warriors are unable to interact with baryonic matter and the electromagnetic force, leaving them pretty much useless in a real fight.

My Head

Dear Vidad,

We hope you are excited about the offer letter we just sent you! We realize that 240K is much more than you requested, but we were just so so delighted you thought that we were seriously considering hiring you. You see, that offer was contingent on a background check, which has just been completed. As we expected, you have failed it miserably.

This means we are retracting the offer.

Your background check report includes an AI-generated section that revealed that you have had or may potentially have some really strange dreams. That one where you were missing the top of your head is unsettling. I mean, yikes. Even if you don't remember having had this dream, it doesn't matter. Who would remember something like that? So don't try and deny it. And tip: when you appear in public, put on some clothes.

At lunch today we were chatting about you, picking apart your answers like carrion birds tearing at the flesh of an elk carcass. We realized that we all gave you a thumbs up because we thought the other interviewers were going to give up a thumbs up. But then we realized we all thought you are a weirdo.

Also, our company prides itself on hiring only the most talented engineers. Yes, we know you thought you did well in the technical screen, but we were faking it. Our HR department requires that we present the facsimile of a real interview, even when candidates are shockingly unsuitable. By that we mean candidates like yourself. Your answers were, simply put, ridiculous. 

We are filing a civil suit against you for wasting the company's time. You represented yourself as a savvy software engineer. Instead we discovered that you are merely a random weirdo pretending to be a technical professional.

The worst part is that you are feeling doubt. If you were a good engineer, you would know that you nailed it. But of course you are sitting there, worrying. Truly pathetic.

Sincerely,

The Company That Will Not Be Hiring You

Sex Ingredients

Today my girlfriend asked me about the sex ingredients in ka ka pie. Intriguing.

It turned out she was saying something different: six ingredients and cacao pie. Disappointed, I put my pants back on. Sure, in hindsight it's obvious what she meant, but in the moment it was an exciting new direction for our relationship. 

Man that's funny. I showed the above paragraph to my girlfriend. She said, "You know, you really need to cater to a whiter audience."

I was horrified. Who is this woman? I hadn't seen this side of her until today. Oh... wider audience.

I'd blame her, but it's possible I have some role in this communication breakdown. On the other hand I can't blame myself, since she's the one saying these crazy things that turn out to be something else.

Time to pretend this is a lesson on the larger problem of people misunderstanding each other.

Hard Disk Noises Explained

Before Solid State Drives, we had something called a mechanical hard drive that used magnetic platters. Each platter had its own set of tiny read/write heads. The heads were shuttled rapidly back and forth across the surface of the platters by stepper motors. 

These motors would chatter amiably, making a sound vaguely like a rodent living in your computer. A rodent with a small hammer.

Today I was working on my computer and one of my drives started chattering like crazy. 

Oh Oh, I thought. What new malware is on my machine?

After a few minutes I was stumped. I stood up and walked over to the machine, a large tower system which sits about a few feet away from my keyboard. The noise wasn't coming from inside the box! It was coming from the other side of the wall... from the kitchen... where I was boiling some eggs... the shells of which were bouncing around the pot making a noise not dissimilar to hard disk head chatter (when filtered through a wall while the air conditioner was running).

Understanding Computer Security

I just finished a stint at a computer security company. It was fascinating, truly. I now completely understand every aspect of computer security and can explain it all to you in a single article.

The Problem

Today's digital infrastructure has put your wallet on the cyber equivalent of one of those rotating watch displays in a jewelry store. The kind with the fancy lights to make the bling bling -- it's sooo tempting. You can understand if we feel an uncontrollable urge to pick up that wallet and take out all the cash, right? It’s your own fault for buying socks on the internet last year.

There is a solution, so don’t panic. All you need is good computer security. This means you need the digital equivalent of a safe, a mean dog, a scary-looking guy in a uniform, some cameras, and a whole bunch of other things that are super complicated and impossible to explain without putting you into a coma.

But this time is different. I am going to explain every detail of computer security so clearly and simply that the veil of confusion on this topic will be lifted, and your blinders removed, until you find yourself standing in a tower of pure understanding, awestruck at the majesty of truth revealed below. (Note to self: cut back to four shots of espresso in my Americano.)

Computer security is built on a few very simple concepts.

Encryption

One of the most important is something called encryption. Encryption is when you take something clear, legible and easy to understand, and make it look like chaos. Anyone who finds encrypted data will have the same reaction as someone peering into your bedroom: "I can't deal with this mess! I have to go!!" It’s like turning an Oxford lecturer into a crazy street person. It’s like taking a recipe for cinnamon rolls and turning it into an article on computer security.

How do we encrypt things? Well, imagine taking a book and putting it into a paper shredder. Now take all those little strips and rearrange them, completely randomly but not really, because you wrote down which strip goes where in another book. Next, burn all the little strips along with the book that tells you how to put them together. Then take the ashes and chemically convert them into unbreakable bricks. Now take those bricks and throw them at anyone who looks at you funny. The metaphor is not quite correct, probably because it’s mostly inaccurate, but let’s move on to the next topic quickly.

Trust

The next thing you need to understand is trust. Go ahead. Close your eyes and lean backwards. No, no, I meant metaphorically! Sigh.

You establish trust by starting at the top with someone who is a 100% trusted authority. Someone you can really count on. Let's call her "Mom." How do you know you can trust her? You hear her voice in your head every day telling you what a disappointment you are.

Hmm... let's go right to the top, God. Of course, God has a lot on his plate, so he has assigned various agents to help out with administrative tasks like these. However, these agents are also extremely busy dealing with the cacophony of requests for pimple removal and better looking dates. This means another level of delegation must occur, often many levels deep, until finally we end up back at your mom or maybe in the reception area of your local church/temple/mosque.

Example

So now let's apply all these concepts in a real world scenario. Some guy who says his name is Jim starts talking to you in front of Starbucks. He's telling you he's your friend, but a tiny voice in your head is expressing some concern and doubt about this, probably because this is the first time you've met Jim.

How can we verify that Jim really is your friend? Computer security to the rescue! Jim pulls out a piece of paper, a digitally signed certificate, that he assures you was given to him by the minister in a local church. It states that Jim really is a trustworthy fellow.

Ah, but you are smart. You just read an article on computer security. You know that this may be a forgery -- something Jim wrote himself, perhaps minutes before he asked you for money. You issue a challenge to him, asking him to confirm that the certificate is authentic.

Jim pulls out a second piece of paper, a Certificate of Authenticity, which states that the other piece of paper is valid and can be trusted. How do we know that it actually refers to the other piece of paper and is itself valid? The answer is simple. It has also been digitally signed by a bishop at another well-respected church. And it has been digitally stapled to a copy of the first piece of paper. And it has a hologram sticker on it with a very nice picture of a saint.

Jim has a suitcase full of these little pieces of paper and he's waving them around in front of your face until you start to zone out. In fact you feel like you are being... hypnotized... HEY! Where's your wallet? Dammit, you made a rookie mistake! This is why you need to understand computer security!

German Fortune Cookies

Fantastic Four Noble Truths Action Figure!

Comes with all four collectible trading cards:

1. What, you were expecting something else maybe?

2. You aren't getting your hand out of that jar unless you let go of the candy.

3. It is technically possible to let go of the candy.

4. Follow @eightfold_path.

Garden Tools Review

21 in. Variable Speed 4-in-1 Gas Walk Behind Self Propelled Lawn Mower

I love this lawnmore it's so reliable. Just remember the seat gets a little warm and it's not the fastest riding lawnmore.

Facebook 1890: A Steampunk Interlude (part 1)

Narrator               The year: 1894. The city: San Francisco.

Thaddeus             I have upgraded our service, dearest daughter. We now have information transmission at the rate of 20 characters every second. At this speed, the alphabet can be transmitted in just over a second, and an entire book in a few hours. Huzzah! Now this should help you with your studies!

Isabella                 Of what use is such impractically voluminous bandwidth, father?

Thaddeus             Undoubtedly we shall not only use this capacity to its fullest, but there will come a time when we will actually expect more.

Isabella                 Oh silly father, you're such a dreamer.  I do worry, though.  Such celerity! It seems more than the human mind can comprehend. Is it safe for words to travel faster than they may be read upon a page?

Thaddeus             Safe? Well, the lowercase letters seldom encounter problems, but I have read report of uppercase letters snagging upon themselves to cause congestion and on occasion, a service outage.

Isabella                 Hmm... at times your paternal humor inclines itself more toward irritation than amusement.

From the Scrolls of Faiths That Never Caught On

A rough translation from fragments of Codex B, Scroll 15:

"Hi, I'm ʘǂ!, god of impatience, revered for the [experience] known as 'bitter.' Everyone thought the initial version was a shade too [metallic?]. I was brought in for fine-tuning, and you know the rest.

"Bitter was a hit!

"It's used in many different realities, and not just as a taste. You can thank me for that. Seriously, you should thank me now, or who knows what might happen to all that squash you're growing."

An imprecise recounting of events at the gallery in the style of Mark Twain

Met Claude and Dick at the shop. For some reason they had decided to be “on time," arriving before 10:30 AM, rather than observing “dinner party rules” and showing up 25 minutes late, i.e. the convention I follow for most appointments. However, I was not disposed to fault them for boorishness. I had been busy chatting with an old chum I had not seen since college. She was on the prowl for a good man, and her other candidates had died or their wives had not.

We took down the glass patio furniture counter and emptied the storage room. By “we” I of course mean “they,” since I had to take a break from what had been an exceedingly arduous drive to the gallery. My companion on the trip would not shut up, blathering incessantly about his various plans, how he was always right and other people were always wrong, and how if he were not here, everything would fall apart. I think you know the type I mean. By “companion” I am referring to my own mind.

At one point I asked the twins to pause their recreational box moving and help with a legitimate task: assembling my desk. I was able to direct their efforts from a nearby chair. Now while I do my utmost to avoid speaking ill of my fellow man, I am obliged to share that these two do not work well with others. They were unable to comprehend even the simplest and clearest requests, which necessitated the raising of my voice. The furtive glances between them did not go unnoticed. I am sharing this in case you have the misfortune of asking either of these malcontent grousers to handle a modicum of your labor.

Once I had finished loading the truck by proxy of the aforementioned grumblers, said grumblers departed.

“Time to fix the gallery!” I thought. "The well-meaning boobs who run this operation do not understand the Business as I do." I proceeded to strip the walls and move everything into storage to create a minimalist SoHo atmosphere. Now, in the vacancy, customers would be undistracted and free to focus on their purchases. As proof of the genius of the idea, several eager buyers entered and stopped in their tracks, wearing stunned expressions of the "kicked by a mule" variety, then departed suddenly. (No doubt their newly-clarified noggins had reminded them of a purchase they had neglected to make at another store. I could see a powerful validation of the concept in their rapid exeunt.)

Unfortunately, a glance over to the improperly managed storage room revealed it to be overflowing with wreckage and chaos. Experienced businessmen understand that a tranquil mind is a prerequisite for a salesman to sell, and this situation imposed itself upon my serenity unacceptably. I left a note in the log book: "Clean up Storage Rm, Heathens!"

Seeking calm, I allocated funds from the petty cash box up front and headed next door for a lunch in the relaxed, health-affirming style of the French. (Those who know me even briefly learn of my dislike for haste, for Efficiency risks Expediency.)

I returned at 2:10 to unlock the door and welcome the waiting throngs. “Throng” is apparently a Balinese word for “furniture buyer,” because the few present all headed to the Asian Import shop next door, and nary a soul entered our little establishment.

At 2:20 two women made their entrance. Both were blessed with many of the finer gifts of womanhood. I carefully noted these gifts with an artist’s eye, in keeping with the spirit of the gallery, then greeted them with a kindly leer and friendly furrowed brow. Alas, attentive customer service is no longer appreciated in this day and age, for they quickly turned and scurried out.

I realized my oversight: I had neglected to remove the hand-painted grandfather clock from the space. Surely it had spooked them. I tossed the malefactor into the storage room. And not to worry, the sound of breaking glass gave comfort that its landing had been cushioned.

No more customers arrived, so I closed the shop at 2:30.

Nutritional Supplements for the Extremely Paranoid

Like many people, you take vitamin and mineral supplements, and you don't want them contaminated with colorants like titanium dioxide or caustic additives like ascorbic acid. Unlike most people, you worry about it a lot.

Let Organic Complex Distributors give you what you truly want: peace of mind. OCD nutritional supplements are completely free of additives, and are without question the safest products on the market. While not technically a vitamin or mineral, they contain no cereal fillers, no questionable GMO algal extracts, and absolutely no retinol, which can cause skin irritation.

You don't have to worry about PCB's because we don't use Alaskan salmon, Arctic-sourced krill or triple filtered cod liver oil. We realized that these sources are simply not safe enough.

It doesn't stop there. We don't use dangerous androgen-inhibiting plastics or glass bottles that leach heavy metals. And because paper is saturated with dioxins and aluminum foil will give you Alzheimer's, you won't see these dangerous materials in our product.

We even fret about things you haven't become obsessed with yet. What about that horrible "pill factory air" in those other vendor's bottles? And hey, is that wad of cotton organic? It really doesn't matter, because it could still give you Morgellons Disease.

Are you starting to see why our product is the only one you should trust? Our "Piece of Mind" brand supplements provide 100% guaranteed peace of mind because that's all you get. Nothing else. And nobody sells nothing like we do.

Not happy? Return the unused portion to us for a full refund.

Amazon Reviews #2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Customer Review
3.0 out of 5 stars

leaden angst wrapped in fur and amber contact lenses

When I sit down to watch a sexy vampire flick with a mason jar of chardonnay and two boxes of moisturizing tissues, I expect more than leaden angst wrapped in fur and amber contact lenses.

Perhaps this should be renamed to Twilight: Breaking Hymn (did I spell that correctly? *cough*). Sort of like those naughty love ballads sung by wandering minstrels. You know the ones? They go on verse after verse with some fairly broad metaphors:

The moon through yonder window did break, and its light in and out of the window did shine, all night long, until the bird cried out in the morning, 'coo! coo!'

If you think that's hot, then you'll thrill to the glacial pacing of this epic nuptial that remains frozen in time, like Edward's icy and tumescent love for Bella.

30 Seconds of Ads for 30 Seconds of Video

I landed a contract from an advertising company. It was an interesting job and they were paying good money. The weekend after I was hired, I was watching a broadcast of a four hour event that I cared about, only to have it interrupted every 15 minutes by 30 seconds of the most obnoxious advertising imaginable.

When I looked at the HTML, I saw that the advertising was delivered by the very company I was now working for. A clear message. I left the following Monday and never invoiced them.

So today I went to use a web e-mail service and there was a funny little video about a weatherman who had an on-air rant. I clicked it and 30 seconds of advertisements were queued up. I clicked away.

How to Make Money From Your Blog: Part 2

OK, truth be told, the EzKode thing mentioned in the previous post isn't really working out for us. By way of example, one of our subscribers in La Jolla was erroneously billed $8,080.80 (which, curiously, happens to be a common RGB color code used in web page borders... but that's probably irrelevant).

Let's not dwell in the past. Technology moves quickly. Today we announce support for smartphone payments! Yes, now your mobile phone can remove money from your checking account. And that's part two of How to Make Money From Your Blog!

Just aim your mobile phone at this QR code and wait until you receive a call from us.

(If you see a rabbit, our system is busy.
Please continue to wait.)

Any Lithuanian Telecom phone equipped with the Eastern European mobile e-commerce standard PushCart will work.

Hmm... did you say you don't happen to own a Lithuanian Telecom phone? Don't worry, you can get one here: get-my-unusually-cheap-phonez.com.

We have an overwhelming inventory of compatible models:

Android

Blackberry Demise

Blackberry Passé

Motorola Drain

Motorola Vexia

Samsung Burn Notice

Samsung Galaxy S9 (Gabon and Equatorial Guinea models only)

Samsung iClone

Samsung Litigia

Samsung Versionist 1.5, 2.0, 2.2, 2.33, and 7

Huawei Little Brother

Fisher-Price GiggleHertz aka Baby's First Phone!

LG LUG Series (includes the liftable LUGgage Tablet, the unusually affordable sLUG, and the room-warming pLUG It In Phone Workstation)

iOS

Apple iPhone 0.9 Beta

Apple Solid Block of Platinum (not an actual phone but nobody will say anything if you talk into it)

Windows-ish

Nokia Sangria

Nokia Diaria

Nokia Imodia A-Dia

Nokia Taste

Microsoft Acquired Taste

Microsoft Anachron SharpWatch

Microsoft Crash (with KB39589329235, KB9538396511, and KB384743754 hotfixes)

Microsoft Exchange 2007 Handheld Server

Microsoft Go^Away

Microsoft Go^Viral Social Media Phone with Peer-to-Peer Transmission

Microsoft LicenseToCall (for Small Medium-Sized to Medium Small-Sized Businesses with 23 to 37 Employees)

Microsoft PrietaryPro/PrietaryPro Professional

Microsoft PayPerWait

Microsoft Tox

Microsoft Zune for Talking

Microsoft Ohshitwejustannounceditanditsalreadyobsolete

Microsoft Noproblemwecanalwayssellittoouremployees

十二金龍 Twelve Golden Dragon Strange Flavor Phone Call

Have you ordered your "new" phone? Great!  You'll see that we already turned it on, along with the camera and microphone, using PushCart's ICU Technology. We have also verified your credit limit using the Near Field Communication chip in your credit card. Someone will be calling you shortly to discuss investment opportunities and How to Make Money From Your Blog!

How to Make Money From Your Blog: Part 1

Watch carefully as I show you step one of How to Make Money From Your Blog!

As a courtesy I am providing a free copy of How to Make Money From Your Blog! on the fee-per-download service I run called get-my-free-docz.com.

Did you catch that? Huh? Huh?

There's more: a free, previously completely secret, never-before-revealed power-blogger technique. Keep reading!

I cut a deal with the EzKode people to pay me to promote their unique document ID system. You may have read about them in connection with a hacking scandal a few years ago. Well, they are under new management, they have fixed their technology, and they are so desperate to rebuild their base they are willing to pay you to use it!

To obtain your EzKode KikBak payment, all you need to do is tell your readers that in order to download their free document, they'll need to copy & paste an EzKode which has been dynamically generated just for them. These things expire in five minutes, adding extra pressure for them to make a decision.

I've pasted an actual EzKode into the blog below to show you what they look like:

Time remaining: 47

# Beta preview release. Not for production use.
<!-- Product Manager said we needed a nicer gray box around the ezkode so I put the script to draw it in the ezkode itself. #bangin Then he says it would be a security risk, but he's just a PRD jockey who doesn't understand code. Remove this from code generator in release b...
Kwestion script exception: comment buffer overrun!

Twelve Golden Dragon 十二金龍 Best Quality Rootkit! Relax, everything OK! This supposed to be here!!
{dob}$q^c2@4f3x
{ssn}3i-93"9!5cz@
{mmn}l3od8kp
{visa}2kg8li94j2w
{checking}'#9z$af2#3w3ceich is why I asked her what she saw in him. She gives me this really nasty look and says I spend too much time on my damned blog and would it kill me to go outside and get some sun. Then she starts complaining about my milk allergy and how bad the

Shoes in the Workplace

At my old company, as long as you were wearing a loincloth and had bathed recently, you were part of the team. I recently joined a new company that seems to have a higher standard.

Here, people look at my shoes right after making eye contact. When I wore the sneakers shown below, their eyes lingered. Not in a good way.

They seemed to have a momentary brain misfire, as if they suddenly realized I was a store mannequin and not a real person. Internally, they went to quiet room and had a quick nervous breakdown. One man reached for his wallet to make sure he was still solvent. I was not making a good impression. Bare feet would have been better.

The next day, I upgraded to these:

The first person who saw them was a gal from marketing. She practically gagged as she walked by. The wind from the speed of her departure rustled papers. "How dare you bring those shoes into this company!" She didn't say it out loud, but her feelings on the matter were clear. My face stung as if I had been slapped.

I did not require a third lesson. It was obvious I was not following the accepted practices of this company. I immediately purchased a pair of the most expensive Testoni calf leather oxfords available:

This purchase meant that my wife's kitchen remodel and my daughter's Christmas would get scaled back significantly, but gotta keep dad employed, right?

It was a complete disaster. The instant I walked into engineering, people were staring at my feet. The mix of disappointment and contempt was palpable. I had crossed an unspoken line. I quickly turned around and ran back over to marketing. Marketing gal was there.

When she saw my shoes, her face lifted in a sublime expression of approval that gave me hope I had finally found a home, only to have everything fall to pieces when she looked a little higher and saw the $11 Puritan chinos from Walmart. Panicking, confused, I left the building and went to my car.

I sat there paralyzed. What to do? Casual shoes, one side thinks I'm worthless. Nice shoes, the other side thinks I'm putting on airs. Then, in a flash, it all fell into place. This was an "Upstairs, Downstairs" situation. That was the old BBC drama about class division.

I mean, I've known all along that engineering does not associate with sales and marketing. This is the situation at most companies, but there is usually some pretense involved. "Your sort of fellow is always welcome here! Now hurry along before I call security." I just thought it was more about "different job responsibilities" and being "customer facing."

Now I understand. Those are euphemisms, and at this company they are simply too busy to bother with them, so it's more like, "Eewwww!!! HR is over there. Ick!"  

Sales and marketing live upstairs and engineering lives downstairs. It's almost like two different countries. There should be a little customs desk and a changing area in each section so you can make the transition properly

The United States has always had its class structure and apparently only an ever-dwindling subset of middle class native-borns don't yet comprehend that. There is some latitude in the U.S. to choose your station, but once you've chosen, you'd better play your role properly.

Thanks to newfound perspective, my footwear dilemma has been resolved. This is what I wore yesterday:

I received a standing ovation when I walked into engineering. There was even a sense of hushed admiration from the marketing people when I stopped by HR. It's good to know your place.

Amazon Reviews

Thomas Kinkade: 25 Years of Light

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 stars

More than hobbit villages on acid... so much more!

Many people dismiss Kinkade, putting him in the same artistic space as Hummel figurines. However, I maintain his true affiliations are with Lord of the Rings and Yellow Submarine. He moonlights for the DMT Nexus, like some unacknowledged master illustrator of the mushroom experience. Subversive consciousness-expanding art disguised for mass consumption, where each page is a portal to alternate reality! The best part: you will be absolutely safe hanging a Kinkade calendar on your corporate office wall. Let them sneer. You know the secret.

Lucid PowerPoint #2: Protect Your Artwork

Stealing artwork for use in a presentation is bad.

Let's consider an example. Do you know who this character is?

That's right, you don't know, because it's Carl, a character I created just for this series of posts on effective presentations, a character in no way associated with any currently syndicated comic strip with complicated licensing rules.

I made sure to add distinctive features to protect against copyright infringement. For example, the orange power shirt. Notice that there's absolutely no hair above his ears. And he's always carrying that cup of pomegranate juice.

You can use the same techniques to protect your artwork. If you're really worried, take a cue from stock image sites and add some anti-piracy lines:

What do you do if people like your character and use it in their presentations despite the flagrant illegality? If you include a standard copyright warning on the first and last pages of your presentation, they'll at least have fair warning:

Citizens of the Empire, the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), and the Watercolor Torte Fundibulum (WTF) are all here to protect you and to keep the U.S. economy functioning in some form. Take advantage of them. The RIAA has recommended that everyone be sued preemptively out of respect for all music and art. People who exploit your artist's artwork in the public arena of the meeting room without paying you, and very indirectly your syndicated artist, every last fraction of a cent that is rightfully yours simply because they like and respect said work are thieves and belong in the courtroom to protect the economy as previously mentioned. Add to Cart

Are User Experience Designers All Morons?

Q: Vidad, sometimes I think the UX Designers who roll through this place are all morons. Do you think that's true or am I imagining things?

A: Hmm... well, would you ask someone at a used car dealership whether their salespeople were only in it for the money? Or do you assume it is their personal mission statement to get you remarkable value in previously-owned transportation?

That's not working. Let's try the direct approach.

Yes, of course they're morons. Now please understand, calling a Human Interaction Designer a moron isn't meant to be hurtful. I only mean it in the professional sense. Really, they have a gift. Smart people cannot see problems with the same ease as someone who is easily confused by simple things.

Thanks to the conjunction of a privileged upbringing, traumatic stress from the rigors of art school, and the excessive consumption of substances normally avoided even by the tribal shaman, certain individuals can become preoccupied with matters so utterly inconsequential that they are practically invisible to everyone else. Psychiatrists are aware of the affliction but have never bothered to give it a name since it is generally considered harmless and only some of them starve to death.

A transformative event occurred one day in early 1996, when one of these very special persons (most of whom were at the time doing street theatre or selling glow-in-the-dark hula hoops at Koh Phangan full moon parties) discovered that a large dysfunctional corporation would actually pay him for the service of pointing out the obvious. This rapidly led to what is now known as the Summer of Cashing In. Overnight, behavior that in other fields would be considered a stroke symptom had become an asset, a "constantly fresh perspective."

Over the years we became conditioned to the new reality, and today are no longer flabbergasted to hear this type of gibberish in the workplace:

• "The issue with your website is that you aren't using Semantic Color Mapping. By selectively adding thin bands of fluorescent color to communicate... um... wow, those paragraphs are kind of shaped like Jerry Garcia's beard... so uh... your customers... what were we talking about? No problem, my webinar explains it all. Here's your bill."
• "Oh, I see the problem. The issue is that you are causing Semantic Color Blindness through the over-application of thin bands of fluorescent color. Here's your bill."
• "When you press the doorbell, it should ring. Here's your bill."

So the next time you overhear a UX Designer pointing out things that are self-evident, hand them their drool towel and be grateful they aren't miming invisible boxes on some street corner.

Behind the Scenes at the Balgoni Fresh Mozzarella Cheese Commercial

Director Frederico Brontolare is steaming. "No, Bridget, we've been over this already! You have to put the cheese in your mouth before you say that! BEFORE, OK??"

In the next take, the attractive actress lifts the cheese into her mouth and exclaims, "Mmm, Bal...kkaahk," before coughing the slice back across the table.

"Frederico, how am I supposed to say that line with a big slice of cheese in my mouth?"

"Having something in your mouth has never stopped you from talking before," he mutters.

It's three o'clock in the afternoon and the shoot is not going well. After repeated takes, the scene is finally in the can.

Frederico is still concerned. "The next scene is the American businessman, and this guy is like a piece of cardboard with a fashion photo on it. To watch him, you'd think he'd never eaten anything before today."

"Mmm, Balgoni!" says the actor.

"Did you see that? He had all the enthusiasm of someone filling out an itemized tax return.

"Everyone here is just too good looking for something this complicated," sighs Brontolare.

In the News: Global Threat From Invasive Species

Invasive Species DNA Found in 100% of Locations Tested

This is probably in your house

Scientists tracking the spread of invasive species have identified an alarming threat to the global ecosystem. Unlike other invasive species such as Asian Carp, Soybean Rust, or Zebra Mussels, this threat is truly global, risking world-wide environmental collapse.

"The DNA from these things seems to be everywhere we go," said an anonymous United Nations Environmental Program Director.

"We're finding the indicators in 100% of all samples, even in the most remote and pristine areas. What's scary is that this organism disrupts the food chain, causing extreme devastation. It can turn pristine natural habitats into deserts in a matter of decades."

The species, a type of primate, has spread to all corners of the earth.

In the News: Outsourcing Courtesy

Customer support call centers used to be a thorny problem for most companies. They were expensive, and only a handful of Americans from the midwest had the knack for it. Then someone had an epiphany: provide high quality, low cost support by employing well-educated Indian professionals, already fluent in English, and skilled in responding politely to almost any form of grievous personal insult.

The unfortunate side effect of this change is that an entire nation now sees the United States as a giant strip mall infested with perpetually pissed off whiners who exist only to complain about the trivial.

"Based on my experience, they seem to be an unusually stupid people," said Amrit Desai, eight year veteran of the customer service front lines. "I used to admire the U.S., but that has changed. Now whenever I am searching for a metaphor to express my displeasure at a bad smell, or when someone is acting especially childish, I invariably make a comparison to an irate city dweller who can't turn on their espresso maker, or to some pampered suburbanite with a lost credit card."

"Callers seem to think I am the embodiment of the company they are calling in all its imperfection. However, I am just an employee of said company. Most of my friends would understand such a distinction and behave accordingly."

"You know, when I travel or interact with others, I consider myself an ambassador from my country to the world. It seems this concept is not known to all Americans."

Terms of Concern in Software Job Listings

When a realtor says "commuter's dream," that means "located directly under the interstate highway." Similarly, software job postings in 2011 have their own language.

Senior Web Architect

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Date: 2011-10-25, 10:30AM PST
Reply to: job-1736343007@craigslist.org

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Get to know how our company operates by interviewing over a two day period with our entire engineering team. Tell us in detail how you would design a production e-commerce web site. We'll throw plenty of tough questions at you, almost as though you were consulting for us for free.

Mobile App Game Designer

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Date: 2011-10-25, 11:23AM PST
Reply to: job-1736343051@craigslist.org

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You'll be creating the next killer app from our one-man office in Milpitas, located in parking space C34 in front of the Starbucks with good WiFi. No telecommuting. Duties include mentoring the new offshore team between midnight and 2 am by walking them through a working prototype, and hourly cellphone conference calls with each of the twelve directors and their assorted VPs. Experience placating nervous investors a plus. Six week contract position, with a standard 20 million dollar liability clause.

Startup Opportunity

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Date: 2011-10-25, 12:41PM PST
Reply to: job-1736343122@craigslist.org

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Do you have a persistent and insatiable thirst for excellence? Are you constantly raising the bar of passion? Then this may be the hot startup opportunity you've been waiting for!

We're still in stealth mode, but what we can tell you is that we're going to replace the web browser with something even better: the Kweb browser. What we can't tell you is when we're going to ship. We've been at it since 1997, and our founder's enigmatic vision for the project has grown more monumental and utopian with every passing year. We even created our own alternative to JavaScript called Kwestion, based on the most idiosyncratic features of Lisp, Perl and Tcl. Now that the sixth development team has left, we're primed to take off.

Are you ready to stand on the edge of possibility before jumping off into the realm of pure imagination? Are you the Kwestion-able developer who can put us where we need to go?

Code Shredder

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Date: 2011-10-25, 2:38PM PST
Reply to: jobs@codeslammr.com

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Get stoked, grab your board and shmob on over to our sick, incoherent 24-hour work party in the balmy Nevada desert. Experience what Wired magazine said was "...how Dante would envision... burning... man... for coders."

Excellent benefits include an in-house laundry. New hires get 100 points to mana in the company store upon completion of two week indoctrination retreat.

User Experience Handler

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Date: 2011-10-25, 7:13PM PST
Reply to: job-1736343396@craigslist.org

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Join the team at Cialio, the hot new social networking site for small countries. We're looking for a User Experience/User Interface Designer with a great eye and an ACTIVE SECRET level security clearance.

The right candidate should have experience in the following: mockups, information architecture, cutting edge 3D graphics algorithm optimization for GPUs, on-demand battlefield CNC manufacturing, mission critical satellite-based aircraft control systems, real-time global weather modeling using massively parallel networked supercomputers, some exposure to quantum computing theory, and Photoshop.

Nice to haves: editing encrypted machine language byte streams upside down in a harness hanging from a helicopter flying through conflict zones, and Adobe Illustrator.

Must have an active social life and be outdoorsy with a wonderfully wry sense of humor. We are NOT looking for a robot... well, not for this position anyway.

Fight Childhood Obesity The Natural Way: With Fear

Suburban children rarely encounter hungry wild animals. This means they don't run enough, and they can become slow and chubby. You can make up for this lack of exercise through proven weight loss techniques such as scary bedtime stories. Anxiety and fear will help your child shed extra pounds without the hassle of living in a wildlife sanctuary.

"Children, today we are going to learn about the dangerous killer animals that lurk all around us. You weren't told about them in order to protect you."

Balloon Shark	"Inflates itself with air, floats up from the ocean into the sky and then descends into back yards, looking for small household pets to eat. When pets are not available, it has been known to gobble up girls wearing Disney princess dresses."
Tire Snake	"Wraps itself around the tires of small bicycles. Careless children who do not see the snake get on their bike and are typically swallowed whole."
Cereal Wasps	"Usually found in Safeway stores, these insects create brightly colored hives out of cereal box cardboard. Normally only parents can spot them. Grabby children who reach up to take cereal without permission risk hundreds of painful stings."
Video Game Tarantula	"This ravenous spider has migrated from Central America in shipments of video game consoles. When a child spends more than an hour playing video games and no longer responds to calls to do homework or eat dinner, the creature will slowly... crawl... over.... What follows is simply too gruesome to tell you."
Mattress Piranhas	"In some areas of the country, there is something so terrifying that... look, they've never been found where we live, so don't worry... well, not yet anyway... um... so, in some areas of the country, mattresses can become infested with tiny, savage, razor-toothed piranha fish. These have mutated due to the flame retardents and other chemicals in the mattress, and no longer need moisture. However, when a child wets the bed, they burst through the thin covering of the mattress. Imagine mom and dad's reaction in the morning when all they find are bones! It's quite traumatic for them. "Many people do not realize that mattress piranhas were imported into the country by a man who was trying to protect children from the terrible scourge of ceiling locusts, but that's another story."

"Good night, my dears. Don't let the bed bugs bite!"

Knock Knock Joke

(From 2011)

Knock knock!

Who's there?

The depressed U.S. economy.

The depressed U.S. economy who?

Just kidding! We're here to repossess the car.

Sample user guide from my new "Dealing with the Physical World" service

Every day, tragically, people walk into the very doors that should have allowed them passage. Too frequently the victim is blamed.

The problem is simple. Some of us have been conditioned to expect that doors will always swing open.  

Three doors opened automatically today when I was shopping, so therefore my car door should...  **oomph**

It's an easy mistake to make. The modern mind, already burdened with the multitasking overhead of texting and refreshment quaffing, isn't designed to cope with the additional contextual dissonance of an antiquated manual door with its convoluted "twist-and-push" paradigm (or maybe it's "push-and-twist" -- who has time to memorize all the variations).

If you are nodding your head, saying something like "yes... that's it exactly" as people are turning to look at you (because they can hear your "thinking voice"), then print out this handy guide and stick it on all your doors, especially the glass ones.

Renovation for the Clueless

Working with contractors requires a bit of common sense and experience. I wish there was a contractor who specialized in talking to people lacking those qualities. Of course, I don't mean myself.

Something like this...

At Renovation for the Clueless, we work with people who don't have the critical real world skills required to remodel a home.

Worried you might be such a person? You can stop worrying because it's clear to everyone else that you are. It's OK! We're here to help. Unlike those other contractors who disappear and don't return your calls, we'll not only tell you why it's a bad idea to put a swimming pool on your roof, we'll also continue to talk to you as though you were normal.

Q: Why should I work with you instead of another contractor who specializes in dumb people?

A: Those firms only appear to cater to the wisdom-impaired by wearing insincere smiles and speaking slowly.

Q: What's the catch?

A: Money of course! But let's be honest, it's not like you'll actually notice the modest premium we charge.

Q: I like to add and remove items on my work order faster than cards at a casino table. I also like to pepper you with hundreds of e-mails that "clarify my intent" and "brainstorm new ideas" rather than put those ideas in a work order. Is that OK?

A: That's why we hired life coach Judy Blumquist. She'll teach you how to organize your thoughts and present them in an orderly manner. It's fun to be coherent!

Q: I usually assume my ideas are magically reproduced in your head simply by thinking them. Is that possible?

A: Let former Rochester Institute of Mental Health therapist Mike Goldstein help you figure it out with questions like, "Do you think it's possible?"

Q: We don't understand that the pictures in magazines are from houses belonging to very wealthy people with an Italian designer who lives on the premises. We'd like our glorified double-wide to look like that. Can you help us?

A: You do realize that the structure you refer to as your "home" would have to be disassembled and then completely rebuilt in a different neighborhood using materials like rhodium and bumble bee fur? Right??? (Oops... sorry, even we slip up sometimes.)

Q: Hey, you guys seem to be handy with tools. If I can't find a hammer, I'll use a pair of pliers, but they don't seem to work as well. Any suggestions?

A: Consider our 24-hour Dealing with the Physical World Hotline. For an affordable monthly fee, we'll show you why pliers will never work as well as a hammer. We'll also help you create a place for your hammer so you can find it next time, sell you a new one, and explain why you don't use nails to fix a broken dish.