My Head

Dear Vidad,

We hope you are excited about the offer letter we just sent you! We realize that 240K is much more than you requested, but we were just so so delighted you thought that we were seriously considering hiring you. You see, that offer was contingent on a background check, which has just been completed. As we expected, you have failed it miserably.

This means we are retracting the offer.

Your background check report includes an AI-generated section that revealed that you have had or may potentially have some really strange dreams. That one where you were missing the top of your head is unsettling. I mean, yikes. Even if you don't remember having had this dream, it doesn't matter. Who would remember something like that? So don't try and deny it. And tip: when you appear in public, put on some clothes.

At lunch today we were chatting about you, picking apart your answers like carrion birds tearing at the flesh of an elk carcass. We realized that we all gave you a thumbs up because we thought the other interviewers were going to give up a thumbs up. But then we realized we all thought you are a weirdo.

Also, our company prides itself on hiring only the most talented engineers. Yes, we know you thought you did well in the technical screen, but we were faking it. Our HR department requires that we present the facsimile of a real interview, even when candidates are shockingly unsuitable. By that we mean candidates like yourself. Your answers were, simply put, ridiculous. 

We are filing a civil suit against you for wasting the company's time. You represented yourself as a savvy software engineer. Instead we discovered that you are merely a random weirdo pretending to be a technical professional.

The worst part is that you are feeling doubt. If you were a good engineer, you would know that you nailed it. But of course you are sitting there, worrying. Truly pathetic.

Sincerely,

The Company That Will Not Be Hiring You

Sex Ingredients

Today my girlfriend asked me about the sex ingredients in ka ka pie. Intriguing.

It turned out she was saying something different: six ingredients and cacao pie. Disappointed, I put my pants back on. Sure, in hindsight it's obvious what she meant, but in the moment it was an exciting new direction for our relationship. 

Man that's funny. I showed the above paragraph to my girlfriend. She said, "You know, you really need to cater to a whiter audience."

I was horrified. Who is this woman? I hadn't seen this side of her until today. Oh... wider audience.

I'd blame her, but it's possible I have some role in this communication breakdown. On the other hand I can't blame myself, since she's the one saying these crazy things that turn out to be something else.

Time to pretend this is a lesson on the larger problem of people misunderstanding each other.

Hard Disk Noises Explained

Before Solid State Drives, we had something called a mechanical hard drive that used magnetic platters. Each platter had its own set of tiny read/write heads. The heads were shuttled rapidly back and forth across the surface of the platters by stepper motors. 

These motors would chatter amiably, making a sound vaguely like a rodent living in your computer. A rodent with a small hammer.

Today I was working on my computer and one of my drives started chattering like crazy. 

Oh Oh, I thought. What new malware is on my machine?

After a few minutes I was stumped. I stood up and walked over to the machine, a large tower system which sits about a few feet away from my keyboard. The noise wasn't coming from inside the box! It was coming from the other side of the wall... from the kitchen... where I was boiling some eggs... the shells of which were bouncing around the pot making a noise not dissimilar to hard disk head chatter (when filtered through a wall while the air conditioner was running).

Understanding Computer Security

I just finished a stint at a computer security company. It was fascinating, truly. I now completely understand every aspect of computer security and can explain it all to you in a single article.

The Problem

Today's digital infrastructure has put your wallet on the cyber equivalent of one of those rotating watch displays in a jewelry store. The kind with the fancy lights to make the bling bling -- it's sooo tempting. You can understand if we feel an uncontrollable urge to pick up that wallet and take out all the cash, right? It’s your own fault for buying socks on the internet last year.

There is a solution, so don’t panic. All you need is good computer security. This means you need the digital equivalent of a safe, a mean dog, a scary-looking guy in a uniform, some cameras, and a whole bunch of other things that are super complicated and impossible to explain without putting you into a coma.

But this time is different. I am going to explain every detail of computer security so clearly and simply that the veil of confusion on this topic will be lifted, and your blinders removed, until you find yourself standing in a tower of pure understanding, awestruck at the majesty of truth revealed below. (Note to self: cut back to four shots of espresso in my Americano.)

Computer security is built on a few very simple concepts.

Encryption

One of the most important is something called encryption. Encryption is when you take something clear, legible and easy to understand, and make it look like chaos. Anyone who finds encrypted data will have the same reaction as someone peering into your bedroom: "I can't deal with this mess! I have to go!!" It’s like turning an Oxford lecturer into a crazy street person. It’s like taking a recipe for cinnamon rolls and turning it into an article on computer security.

How do we encrypt things? Well, imagine taking a book and putting it into a paper shredder. Now take all those little strips and rearrange them, completely randomly but not really, because you wrote down which strip goes where in another book. Next, burn all the little strips along with the book that tells you how to put them together. Then take the ashes and chemically convert them into unbreakable bricks. Now take those bricks and throw them at anyone who looks at you funny. The metaphor is not quite correct, probably because it’s mostly inaccurate, but let’s move on to the next topic quickly.

Trust

The next thing you need to understand is trust. Go ahead. Close your eyes and lean backwards. No, no, I meant metaphorically! Sigh.

You establish trust by starting at the top with someone who is a 100% trusted authority. Someone you can really count on. Let's call her "Mom." How do you know you can trust her? You hear her voice in your head every day telling you what a disappointment you are.

Hmm... let's go right to the top, God. Of course, God has a lot on his plate, so he has assigned various agents to help out with administrative tasks like these. However, these agents are also extremely busy dealing with the cacophony of requests for pimple removal and better looking dates. This means another level of delegation must occur, often many levels deep, until finally we end up back at your mom or maybe in the reception area of your local church/temple/mosque.

Example

So now let's apply all these concepts in a real world scenario. Some guy who says his name is Jim starts talking to you in front of Starbucks. He's telling you he's your friend, but a tiny voice in your head is expressing some concern and doubt about this, probably because this is the first time you've met Jim.

How can we verify that Jim really is your friend? Computer security to the rescue! Jim pulls out a piece of paper, a digitally signed certificate, that he assures you was given to him by the minister in a local church. It states that Jim really is a trustworthy fellow.

Ah, but you are smart. You just read an article on computer security. You know that this may be a forgery -- something Jim wrote himself, perhaps minutes before he asked you for money. You issue a challenge to him, asking him to confirm that the certificate is authentic.

Jim pulls out a second piece of paper, a Certificate of Authenticity, which states that the other piece of paper is valid and can be trusted. How do we know that it actually refers to the other piece of paper and is itself valid? The answer is simple. It has also been digitally signed by a bishop at another well-respected church. And it has been digitally stapled to a copy of the first piece of paper. And it has a hologram sticker on it with a very nice picture of a saint.

Jim has a suitcase full of these little pieces of paper and he's waving them around in front of your face until you start to zone out. In fact you feel like you are being... hypnotized... HEY! Where's your wallet? Dammit, you made a rookie mistake! This is why you need to understand computer security!