Shoes in the Workplace

At my old company, as long as you were wearing a loincloth and had bathed recently, you were part of the team. I recently joined a new company that seems to have a higher standard.

Here, people look at my shoes right after making eye contact. When I wore the sneakers shown below, their eyes lingered. Not in a good way.

They seemed to have a momentary brain misfire, as if they suddenly realized I was a store mannequin and not a real person. Internally, they went to quiet room and had a quick nervous breakdown. One man reached for his wallet to make sure he was still solvent. I was not making a good impression. Bare feet would have been better.

The next day, I upgraded to these:

The first person who saw them was a gal from marketing. She practically gagged as she walked by. The wind from the speed of her departure rustled papers. "How dare you bring those shoes into this company!" She didn't say it out loud, but her feelings on the matter were clear. My face stung as if I had been slapped.

I did not require a third lesson. It was obvious I was not following the accepted practices of this company. I immediately purchased a pair of the most expensive Testoni calf leather oxfords available:

This purchase meant that my wife's kitchen remodel and my daughter's Christmas would get scaled back significantly, but gotta keep dad employed, right?

It was a complete disaster. The instant I walked into engineering, people were staring at my feet. The mix of disappointment and contempt was palpable. I had crossed an unspoken line. I quickly turned around and ran back over to marketing. Marketing gal was there.

When she saw my shoes, her face lifted in a sublime expression of approval that gave me hope I had finally found a home, only to have everything fall to pieces when she looked a little higher and saw the $11 Puritan chinos from Walmart. Panicking, confused, I left the building and went to my car.

I sat there paralyzed. What to do? Casual shoes, one side thinks I'm worthless. Nice shoes, the other side thinks I'm putting on airs. Then, in a flash, it all fell into place. This was an "Upstairs, Downstairs" situation. That was the old BBC drama about class division.

I mean, I've known all along that engineering does not associate with sales and marketing. This is the situation at most companies, but there is usually some pretense involved. "Your sort of fellow is always welcome here! Now hurry along before I call security." I just thought it was more about "different job responsibilities" and being "customer facing."

Now I understand. Those are euphemisms, and at this company they are simply too busy to bother with them, so it's more like, "Eewwww!!! HR is over there. Ick!"  

Sales and marketing live upstairs and engineering lives downstairs. It's almost like two different countries. There should be a little customs desk and a changing area in each section so you can make the transition properly

The United States has always had its class structure and apparently only an ever-dwindling subset of middle class native-borns don't yet comprehend that. There is some latitude in the U.S. to choose your station, but once you've chosen, you'd better play your role properly.

Thanks to newfound perspective, my footwear dilemma has been resolved. This is what I wore yesterday:

I received a standing ovation when I walked into engineering. There was even a sense of hushed admiration from the marketing people when I stopped by HR. It's good to know your place.