Fight Childhood Obesity The Natural Way: With Fear

Suburban children rarely encounter hungry wild animals. This means they don't run enough, and they can become slow and chubby. You can make up for this lack of exercise through proven weight loss techniques such as scary bedtime stories. Anxiety and fear will help your child shed extra pounds without the hassle of living in a wildlife sanctuary.

"Children, today we are going to learn about the dangerous killer animals that lurk all around us. You weren't told about them in order to protect you."

Balloon Shark	"Inflates itself with air, floats up from the ocean into the sky and then descends into back yards, looking for small household pets to eat. When pets are not available, it has been known to gobble up girls wearing Disney princess dresses."
Tire Snake	"Wraps itself around the tires of small bicycles. Careless children who do not see the snake get on their bike and are typically swallowed whole."
Cereal Wasps	"Usually found in Safeway stores, these insects create brightly colored hives out of cereal box cardboard. Normally only parents can spot them. Grabby children who reach up to take cereal without permission risk hundreds of painful stings."
Video Game Tarantula	"This ravenous spider has migrated from Central America in shipments of video game consoles. When a child spends more than an hour playing video games and no longer responds to calls to do homework or eat dinner, the creature will slowly... crawl... over.... What follows is simply too gruesome to tell you."
Mattress Piranhas	"In some areas of the country, there is something so terrifying that... look, they've never been found where we live, so don't worry... well, not yet anyway... um... so, in some areas of the country, mattresses can become infested with tiny, savage, razor-toothed piranha fish. These have mutated due to the flame retardents and other chemicals in the mattress, and no longer need moisture. However, when a child wets the bed, they burst through the thin covering of the mattress. Imagine mom and dad's reaction in the morning when all they find are bones! It's quite traumatic for them. "Many people do not realize that mattress piranhas were imported into the country by a man who was trying to protect children from the terrible scourge of ceiling locusts, but that's another story."

"Good night, my dears. Don't let the bed bugs bite!"