Saturday, November 12, 2011

Terms of Concern in Software Job Listings

When a realtor says "commuter's dream," that means "located directly under the interstate highway." Similarly, software job postings in 2011 have their own language.

Senior Web Architect


Date: 2011-10-25, 10:30AM PST
Reply to: job-1736343007@craigslist.org

Get to know how our company operates by interviewing over a two day period with our entire engineering team. Tell us in detail how you would design a production e-commerce web site. We'll throw plenty of tough questions at you, almost as though you were consulting for us for free.


Mobile App Game Designer


Date: 2011-10-25, 11:23AM PST
Reply to: job-1736343051@craigslist.org

You'll be creating the next killer app from our one-man office in Milpitas, located in parking space C34 in front of the Starbucks with good WiFi. No telecommuting. Duties include mentoring the new offshore team between midnight and 2 am by walking them through a working prototype, and hourly cellphone conference calls with each of the twelve directors and their assorted VPs. Experience placating nervous investors a plus. Six week contract position, with a standard 20 million dollar liability clause.


Startup Opportunity


Date: 2011-10-25, 12:41PM PST
Reply to: job-1736343122@craigslist.org

Do you have a persistent and insatiable thirst for excellence? Are you constantly raising the bar of passion? Then this may be the hot startup opportunity you've been waiting for!

We're still in stealth mode, but what we can tell you is that we're going to replace the web browser with something even better: the Kweb browser. What we can't tell you is when we're going to ship. We've been at it since 1997, and our founder's enigmatic vision for the project has grown more monumental and utopian with every passing year. We even created our own alternative to JavaScript called Kwestion, based on the most idiosyncratic features of Lisp, Perl and Tcl. Now that the sixth development team has left, we're primed to take off.

Are you ready to stand on the edge of possibility before jumping off into the realm of pure imagination? Are you the Kwestion-able developer who can put us where we need to go?


Code Shredder


Date: 2011-10-25, 2:38PM PST
Reply to: jobs@codeslammr.com

Get stoked, grab your board and shmob on over to our sick, incoherent 24-hour work party in the balmy Nevada desert. Experience what Wired magazine said was "...how Dante would envision... burning... man... for coders."

Excellent benefits include an in-house laundry. New hires get 100 points to mana in the company store upon completion of two week indoctrination retreat.


User Experience Handler


Date: 2011-10-25, 7:13PM PST
Reply to: job-1736343396@craigslist.org

Join the team at Cialio, the hot new social networking site for small countries. We're looking for a User Experience/User Interface Designer with a great eye and an ACTIVE SECRET level security clearance.

The right candidate should have experience in the following: mockups, information architecture, cutting edge 3D graphics algorithm optimization for GPUs, on-demand battlefield CNC manufacturing, mission critical satellite-based aircraft control systems, real-time global weather modeling using massively parallel networked supercomputers, some exposure to quantum computing theory, and Photoshop.

Nice to haves: editing encrypted machine language byte streams upside down in a harness hanging from a helicopter flying through conflict zones, and Adobe Illustrator.

Must have an active social life and be outdoorsy with a wonderfully wry sense of humor. We are NOT looking for a robot... well, not for this position anyway.

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